“This is not for you.” - Johnny T.

Well… Hello there. 

Over the years, I have tried to write an intro for me and this site a countless number of times. I’ve never been able to follow through with it, because it often fills me with so much self doubt that I just can’t seem to follow through. Be that me feeling like it's a waste of time, or it's too self indulgent, or even too whinny. But there’s been a lot going on with me and my feelings about my writing here lately anyway, I think I might give this one an honest go… by, at least, following it through to the end. Actually posting it is a completely different hurdle. 

So… Here I go.

For starters, I’m not looking for anything by this post and hopefully you’ll understand that by the end. I know some of what I’m going to say is going to sound like excuses or a pity party. I know how some people are on the interwebs and I ain’t playing that game. However, I am going to be mentioning some things about myself that do sound like I am fishing for sympathy. I’m not. I simply want to explain myself and where I am coming from in hopes to lay out a better, or one at all, idea of what I am doing here. Both for me and for you. So yeah… That said, let's get into the… I’m just going to put ‘discussion’ here so that I don’t degrade myself more than I’m already going to. 

To be completely upfront. I know that what I write isn’t the easiest to read, and down right confusing, at best, sometimes. Some of you might think it's written by a 13 year old with nothing better to do than cram out a story in a few hours when they’re bored. Well… I have the mentality of a 13 year old but, as sad as it is, I put a lot of work into these stories. Except for -hyperlink My Friend - that one I did pretty much shit out in a day; full honesty. - Which isn’t even something I planned to get into this time around… I’m sticking with not, it's going to be hard enough to do this, I don’t need to shoehorn in my principles here as well. - And that will probably happen again, sometimes I just get a worm and it has to get out. Example being My Friend - I really wanted to post something to the Creep Cast subreddit and the concept that your wet-bones just need a little convincing to become dry-bones was tickling my brain at the time. 

Nevertheless, from 90% of my stories I give them my all. But at the end of the day, I’m just a dude who - on some level must be masochistic because he - likes writing. “Likes” is a very loose word here, but I don’t feel that needs to be encompassed right now. I have no English degree, I’ve never been to a creative writing group, I barely passed all the English courses I needed in high school. In fact, all and all, I tend to be quite allergic to reading. And usually only have ‘good’ writing sessions for journal entries and personal matters. It's still insane to me how I can write 2k words in an hour complaining about my day, but it takes me 3 days to write a 500 word scene of two people holding hands… I digress. 

This stems from a life long struggle with dyslexia - which I have just now decided is the only excuse I’m going to put in this post… I hope. It has led to me being a very selective reader and a general lack of rapport with literature. Though I have been trying to change that; if you get the reference at the top I’m sure you’re questioning every word I just said. That’s fair. And the book has made me even more insane. It's the truest of horror for someone like me, and that’s why I took it on. If you don’t get the reference, it’ll make more sense by the end - hopefully. 

All that said, as you can tell from the fifth grade reading level I write at, it's a major challenge for me. One I am sure plenty of other writers deal with as well and overcome in their own way. Daniel Green being a large outstanding example. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m sure there are things he struggles with that I find easier. That's just how life is. All I can do is give my best attempt with every story I create. Despite how much of a Sisyphean hill it is for me. So, you may ask, why even do it? Why not get an editor? Why try/do something that hurts more than fulfill you? … That last one may have been me asking. 

All fair points. And the best response I have to the first and last is because my brain is constantly bombarded with stories - probably due to my early life being full of lies; meaning creating stories just comes naturally. So much of the time I don’t feel like I have a choice. Why resist something (harmless) when your brain readily provides it? It often feels like a Dharma, maybe it is, maybe it's not, but it's definitely a drive in me even if it is something that drags me down. 

As for the editor… Without making more excuses since I decide dyslexia is the only one I’m going to vent about - I’m working on it. And believe it or not, I do edit, A Lot. But again, just a dude with a ‘need’ to make stories. I know I miss things that I don’t even know to look for and even more than that. I do what I can though and I hope it makes them at least a little palatable - if anything I hope that I can at least make the concepts stand out at my current level. 

So yeah. This will improve when I do finally find one but it's a… process. Something that is in, very slow, motion. 

So what then? What/why continue to do this if you know it subpar? Why continue to upload to the internet? Long answer short; because I’m still human. I still crave notoriety and - unfortunately - money. I still hope that I can reach some people with my stories. As hollow as that drive is, it is still there. So yeah, I post them. Plus I find it kinda fun to show a progression of my ability/ the contrast of getting an editor. It gives me a chuckle to think that one day I’ll be able to have them uploaded side by side and see the difference. 

That said, also, at the end of the day (my life) I don’t want to be a Warren Bering - sitting on a manuscript for my whole life due to fear. Meaning that when it comes down to it, I’m doing this for me. As much as the pain of writing for me is being judged for being subpar. As much as I want to be able to construct a ‘perfect’ story that can touch the hearts of man and make a better world. As much as it hurts to edit for the fifth time in that same number of years and have to accept I don’t have the abilities to make it better. I still follow through to get the stories out of my head; despite not doing them the justice I want. 

So yeah. This isn’t for you. This is my obsession, my hobby, what I chose to fill my free time with. And though it is for me, I still want to take the risk of putting myself out there. In case a single line can reach the right person at the right moment and make a day, an hour, better. I mean, what good does it do for me to keep a file folder full of stories? If they’re already written, why keep them to myself? One way, they Will never be read, the other - there’s at least a chance. And in a way that makes it worth it to me. I believe Steven King once said, ‘I’d be writing no matter what. But I’ll never complain about getting paid for it.’ (Very loose quote but I am confident it was he who said it.) In the same vein, I’m going to be writing, it's just something that's a part of me, and if I can get a few readers while doing it - it's worth it to me. I just wish it wasn’t so f-ing HARD. Haha. 

… So there you have it. My first actual ‘blog’ post. Telling you a bit about me and what all I’m doing here. TLDR; I’m writing, because it's what I like to do. Again very, very loose ‘like’ there. It's rough but I enjoy it and I don’t enjoy fear controlling me. So here I am. 

And from the bottom of my heart, even if you’re ‘only’ a co-worker or family member that came to the site just to see it but didn’t actually read anything - Thank you. And if you’ve actually taken the time to read one of my stories - Thank you so, very much. Also, what’d you think?? Have any notes for improvement??? 

Hope you’re having a great day. 

Thanks again. <3

(wow that's a lot shorter than I thought it'd be.)